This evening as the sunsets and unfamiliar feeling overwhelms me; I hate you. I look at you sitting on my nightstand and all I want to do is throw you away; I don’t want you. I don’t want the empty bear the holds my child’s ashes; you’re not breathing, you’re heart doesn’t beat, blood doesn’t run through your veins. I want my Everett, not my Everett Bear. I want my child back.
As Halloween begins, so does another restless night filled with dreams of you. This year, Halloween is yet another reminder of a milestone you’ll never get to reach, another reminder of what our life could have been, and the pain is almost unbearable.
October is over. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is over. But you’re still gone. This month of reflection didn’t bring you back. It didn’t miraculously heal my aching heart. It didn’t make my family whole again. I’m not “okay”. I’m not “fine”. This is the reality I live in now. My child died. My heart will never be whole again.
I’m broken, but I’m still breathing. I’m not stable, but I’m not crumbling either. I proudly wear the scars your life left on my heart. I proudly call you my son. And I anxiously await the day I meet you at Heaven’s gates. The roar of a bereaved mother’s love and pain will forever be inside of me.
I am strong.
I am a child loss survivor.
I am an angel’s Mommy.
I am 1 in 4.
But I am also so much more. I am a mother to two babies I get to hold in my arms on Earth. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a friend and confidante. And because of that, I live on. Your legacy will not be my destruction; I will rise out of the ashes left behind and create a legacy you can be proud of. Your memory will not die, but will graciously live on through the lives of those that loved you. And let me tell you baby boy, so many people love you!
As I wrap up this month’s Capture your Grief Challenge I am reminded of this:
“Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith; It is the price of love.” –Author Unknown