I Will Carry You

I’ve been trying so hard lately to put my emotions into words. To live in my grief and not be ashamed of it. To stop pushing my emotion deep down inside and be honest and truthful with myself  and others about where I am at and who I have become since losing Everett, but as you can tell by my lack of posts lately; some truths just aren’t ready to be told.

So as I put pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard) for the first time this month, I share with you not my own words, but those of a fellow bereaved Mommy whose story struck a cord deep inside my wounded soul: written by Angie Smith in her book “I Will Carry You”, a book I would whole heartedly suggest to anyone traveling down this journey of grief, about the lose of her daughter and her journey through grief.

I felt like the wind had whipped through and knocked me down, deep down into a place I didn’t want to be.

A place where the answers are fewer than the questions.

A place where God seems hidden by the shadows of this broken life. It is an easy place to get comfortable because all your hurts are justified and the tears give way to doubt.

But even then, He never backs down. I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who himself is well acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a father who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door slamming. The emptiness that wraps around you.

He knows. 

And he has only one request.

Bring it to me. 

Everytime the anger roars in your heart.

Bring it to me. 

Everytime you feel like nobody hears you.

Bring it to me.

When you think it isn’t fair. When you think it isn’t true. When you can’t think at all.

Bring it to me. 

Bring it to my feet and I will make an alter for your suffering.

As I read these words last night after a day that carried only turmoil and sorrow a lightbulb went off somewhere deep inside of my brain; He can handle this. My faith can handle this; He will never leave me. He will carry me. 

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