I choose you. 

Without this pain, without this heartache I wouldn’t have you baby boy. I choose you; every single time.

Even if it means living the rest of my life without you. Even if it means never getting to see you grow; never getting to feel you breathe, hear you cry, or experience your beautiful laugh and radiant smile. No matter what, I choose you. 

With every breath I breathe. With every day I live without you. For the rest of my life. I chose you Everett. 

Every. 

Single. 

Time

Because no matter what, I am yours and you are mine; nothing  and no one can change that. You became mine the moment you started growing in my womb and losing you doesn’t make me any less your mother just as dying doesn’t make you any less my son. 

No distance or passage of time can undo the bond we share. I am your mother and you are my child. You may not be here living your life along side me, but there is not a person alive who can take you from me.  

Always & forever. From now until eternity. I belong to you & you belong to me.

Everett’s Mommy 

We wished for a baby, but got an Angel instead.

   

  

Photo credit: T. Marie Photography
 

Last Christmas as your brother Lucas experienced his 1st Christmas and the awe of the holiday season filled our home Mommy made a wish; a wish for another baby to complete our rowdy bunch of boys and make our family complete. A wish I thought would be fulfilled this Christmas as I held you in my arms for your 1st Christmas (a moment I will forever long for). As Christmas day came and went without you Mommy realized something; sometimes the biggest miracles are sent in the smallest of packages. 

We may not have been able to hold you in our arms for your 1st Christmas like we’d hoped, but you were there. You were there in every minute we spent as a family with hearts full of love for each other holding ever moment dear. You were there with every smile exchanged, every hug given, and every kiss kissed teaching us to love like we will never have another chance. You were there as grace was said and our love for our Lord & Savior grew as we celebrated His only son’s birth. You were there in every gift, every star, every twinkling light shining down your love from above. 

As you celebrated your 1st Christmas in Heaven Mommy realized you, my sweet baby boy, will always be there; as our hair begins to grey and your brothers grow, as milestones, birthday parties, and Holiday pass us by, as year after year dwindles away. Until we take our last breaths on this Earth and are reunited in Heaven: you will be there right beside us showering us with your love. 

We wished for a baby, but got an Angel instead. Our Guardian Angel who will spend every moment of our lives by our sides loving is from afar until we meet again. 

We love you baby boy. Always & forever. From this life until the next. 

-Everett’s Mommy

Gone Too Soon

You should’ve been in my arms today baby boy; my arms ache to hold you and our family feels incomplete without the joy awaiting your imminent arrival would’ve brought. I find myself playing this song over and over in my head graciously accepting the tears that follow if only to feel closer to you for another moment. 

We played this song at your memorial and it will forever remind me of everything we lost when we lost you. Some days, when my eyes are clouded by tears, it is hard to see the things we’ve gained through this journey, hard to see the beauty of having our Angel watching over us, hard to accept the fact that I will live my life with a piece of my heart missing.

This song speaks to my soul as if it was written just for me. Many people who haven’t experienced child loss don’t see and hopefully will never truly understand (as that understanding comes with only one thing, the loss of a child) that you don’t just lose your child, you lose everything they could have been, every year you could’ve spent with them by your side, and every milestone their life would’ve held. You lose a 1 year old’s first step, a 5 years old’s first day of school, the awkward teenage years, first crushes, first heartaches, first loves, graduations, marriage, grandchildren; you lose it all. It is a devastating loss that changes your world forever. It is not something you “get over” or “move past” and it is most definitely not something you will ever forget. Your life may eventually move on: as everyone’s must, but the pain and the anguish will forever be a part of who you are, peaking it’s way in at the most inopportune moments and leaving behind a wound on your heart that will never fade away.

Everett,

Your life, your death has left a wound on my heart. A wound that cuts so deep it touches my soul. A wound that will never completely heal, but that I proudly wear as it is the only thing I have left of you. A wound that will bleed until the day I die and meet you again. My arms ache with the need to hold you and for now, I fill them full of love for your brothers and the time I get with them here on this Earth. I anxiously await the day I get to hold you again baby boy and I hope beyond measure that until then, I can live a life that will make you proud to call me Mommy.

Everett’s Mommy

 

Worldwide Candle Lighting Day 2015

Mommy lit this candle in honor of all the babies gone too soon tonight for the World Wide Candle Lighting Day baby boy, but especially in honor of you.



Your short life with us here on Earth changed us all forever. Because of you we love deeper, live larger, and experience moments like they are our last. I never knew the depth of a mothers love until I held your tiny lifeless body in my arms. Loving you from afar is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I proudly do it in honor of you. You are mine and I am yours; no distance is too great for our love to travel. Mommy loves you Everett. May your light always shine. Always and forever.

Mommy

My heart aches with wanting you. 

I’ve never wanted something so much in my life. 

I want you here with me baby boy; it’s selfish, I know, but I can’t stop myself from wanting you. I’d give anything to hold you, to see your chest rising and falling with the miraculous breath of a healthy newborn, to watch you grow alongside your brothers and spend the rest of my days living the beautifully chaotic life having three King boys would’ve brought me. My heart literally aches with the need to hold you; my empty arms just another reminder of our life without you.

In just six short days you would’ve been in my arms. Your sweet baby smell permeating the air as I held you close for the first time. Our family gathered around us welcoming our Christmas miracle into this world. Our house filled with the third child we have longed for. Instead we are all left with empty arms and broken hearts this Holiday season. It is almost too much to bear, living this life without you beside us.

But in my darkest hours when I lie awake in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face yearning for you I turn to Him. I turn to the One who will watch over you until I hold you again. I turn to Jesus. Even in the deepest depths of my sorrows I am reminded that one thing and one thing alone will bring me to you again: Jesus Christ.

I will continue to hold onto the hope, the endless love and understanding that He and He alone can give me.

I turn to you Lord in my darkest hours and surrender it all to you. 

Everett’s Mommy

I’ll have a blue Christmas without you

I’ll have a blue Christmas without you

I’ll be so blue just thinking about you

Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree

Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That’s when those blue memories start calling

You’ll be doin’ all right, with your Christmas of white

But I’ll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas

You’ll be doin’ all right, with your Christmas of white

But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas

   

Death does not negate existence. 

There is this phrase I find myself being told time and time again after people learn of our sweet Angel, Everett, watching over us in Heaven. A phrase that tears open all my wounds and stirs up pain in the depths of my soul. A phrase that makes me feel guilty for mourning the death of our son. A phrase that says to me that you believe that I am incapable of mourning the child I lost and loving the children I have simultaneously. A phrase that should never be uttered to another grieving mother ever again, “be grateful for the children you do have.” I understand the well meaning hearts behind these words, but just for a second, before you utter these words yet again to another mother who will live her life without her child, tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

The death of my child does not negate his existence and mourning him does not mean I love his brothers any less. Of course I am grateful for his brothers, but having them does not make losing him any easier. Everett Charles King is my third son and I will live my life loving him as such. He is my child; whether I live my life with him or not and acknowledging his existence does not make me love his brothers any less; just as acknowledging his brothers existence does not make me love him any less. The same would be true if our Everett had lived and we were awaiting his entrance into this world instead of mourning his exit.

It is not impossible to love and grieve at the same time. My grief for Everett does not take away the love I have for his brothers nor does the love I have for his brothers take away the pain losing their brother has caused. Grief is not a one way street. It is a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, clear skies and tsunamis. Everyone’s journey is different and this is the one I choose.

Just when I needed you most

Tonight was a hard one baby boy; “one for the books” as they say. I think God has a good chuckle somedays when He sets in motion the way our prayers manifest themselves. It just so happens that the anniversary of the day we lost you and Mommy’s huge swing of monthly hormones coincide (insert sinister muhahahaha laugh from above); kind of a cruel joke of nature if you ask me. This makes for a very hard end of the month:

EVERY

SINGLE

MONTH.

But hey, it could be worse.   

After waking up this evening having replayed our lose of you in my dreams with the added bonus of Mommy’s worst nightmare: losing your brothers as well, I couldn’t get a good grip on what was reality and what was a dream. It’s the worst part of waking up for me; having to come to the realization that my belly is no longer growing with your life inside of it. When the reality of our life without you does hit, the deep aching pain your absense continues to leave on my heart is almost too great to bear.

On nights where this pain gets too great I always find myself headed to your big brother’s nursery in a fuzzy haze of emotion to get in some late night sweet baby snuggles. Let me tell you Everett, your brother can be such a glass case of emotions, but he never disappoints in the late night snuggles department. Some nights, sitting in the nursery in the dark,  I wonder if my heart will burst with my love for you boys.

Like so many nights before I gently rocked your brother as he slept solidly on my chest. As the tears flowed freely and my eyes clouded over I softly whispered my deepest desires to the night; wishes for a life with you. Wishes I know will never come true. Wishes I feel selfish even uttering in the dark. As my tears overcame me, I felt it; the gentlest of caresses on my cheek. Mommy’s eyes snapped open quicker than you would believe possible hoping to catch a glimpse of you; I know it was you baby boy as your sweet big brother was snoring quietly on my chest wrapped tightly against his Mommy. Just when I needed you the most, there you were, with me in my darkest moments sending me butterfly kisses in the night.

I will forever treasure these stolen moments with you Everett. I often feel your presence wash over me in time of deep need, a feeling I can only describe as peace. A peace I so deeply need in a world where our family will forever live incomplete without you.

I love you baby boy.

Now and forever.

From this life to the next.

Until then, visit me in my dreams.

Everett’s Mommy