Just when I needed you most

Tonight was a hard one baby boy; “one for the books” as they say. I think God has a good chuckle somedays when He sets in motion the way our prayers manifest themselves. It just so happens that the anniversary of the day we lost you and Mommy’s huge swing of monthly hormones coincide (insert sinister muhahahaha laugh from above); kind of a cruel joke of nature if you ask me. This makes for a very hard end of the month:

EVERY

SINGLE

MONTH.

But hey, it could be worse.   

After waking up this evening having replayed our lose of you in my dreams with the added bonus of Mommy’s worst nightmare: losing your brothers as well, I couldn’t get a good grip on what was reality and what was a dream. It’s the worst part of waking up for me; having to come to the realization that my belly is no longer growing with your life inside of it. When the reality of our life without you does hit, the deep aching pain your absense continues to leave on my heart is almost too great to bear.

On nights where this pain gets too great I always find myself headed to your big brother’s nursery in a fuzzy haze of emotion to get in some late night sweet baby snuggles. Let me tell you Everett, your brother can be such a glass case of emotions, but he never disappoints in the late night snuggles department. Some nights, sitting in the nursery in the dark,  I wonder if my heart will burst with my love for you boys.

Like so many nights before I gently rocked your brother as he slept solidly on my chest. As the tears flowed freely and my eyes clouded over I softly whispered my deepest desires to the night; wishes for a life with you. Wishes I know will never come true. Wishes I feel selfish even uttering in the dark. As my tears overcame me, I felt it; the gentlest of caresses on my cheek. Mommy’s eyes snapped open quicker than you would believe possible hoping to catch a glimpse of you; I know it was you baby boy as your sweet big brother was snoring quietly on my chest wrapped tightly against his Mommy. Just when I needed you the most, there you were, with me in my darkest moments sending me butterfly kisses in the night.

I will forever treasure these stolen moments with you Everett. I often feel your presence wash over me in time of deep need, a feeling I can only describe as peace. A peace I so deeply need in a world where our family will forever live incomplete without you.

I love you baby boy.

Now and forever.

From this life to the next.

Until then, visit me in my dreams.

Everett’s Mommy

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