My heart aches with wanting you. 

I’ve never wanted something so much in my life. 

I want you here with me baby boy; it’s selfish, I know, but I can’t stop myself from wanting you. I’d give anything to hold you, to see your chest rising and falling with the miraculous breath of a healthy newborn, to watch you grow alongside your brothers and spend the rest of my days living the beautifully chaotic life having three King boys would’ve brought me. My heart literally aches with the need to hold you; my empty arms just another reminder of our life without you.

In just six short days you would’ve been in my arms. Your sweet baby smell permeating the air as I held you close for the first time. Our family gathered around us welcoming our Christmas miracle into this world. Our house filled with the third child we have longed for. Instead we are all left with empty arms and broken hearts this Holiday season. It is almost too much to bear, living this life without you beside us.

But in my darkest hours when I lie awake in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face yearning for you I turn to Him. I turn to the One who will watch over you until I hold you again. I turn to Jesus. Even in the deepest depths of my sorrows I am reminded that one thing and one thing alone will bring me to you again: Jesus Christ.

I will continue to hold onto the hope, the endless love and understanding that He and He alone can give me.

I turn to you Lord in my darkest hours and surrender it all to you. 

Everett’s Mommy

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