You should’ve been in my arms today baby boy; my arms ache to hold you and our family feels incomplete without the joy awaiting your imminent arrival would’ve brought. I find myself playing this song over and over in my head graciously accepting the tears that follow if only to feel closer to you for another moment.
We played this song at your memorial and it will forever remind me of everything we lost when we lost you. Some days, when my eyes are clouded by tears, it is hard to see the things we’ve gained through this journey, hard to see the beauty of having our Angel watching over us, hard to accept the fact that I will live my life with a piece of my heart missing.
This song speaks to my soul as if it was written just for me. Many people who haven’t experienced child loss don’t see and hopefully will never truly understand (as that understanding comes with only one thing, the loss of a child) that you don’t just lose your child, you lose everything they could have been, every year you could’ve spent with them by your side, and every milestone their life would’ve held. You lose a 1 year old’s first step, a 5 years old’s first day of school, the awkward teenage years, first crushes, first heartaches, first loves, graduations, marriage, grandchildren; you lose it all. It is a devastating loss that changes your world forever. It is not something you “get over” or “move past” and it is most definitely not something you will ever forget. Your life may eventually move on: as everyone’s must, but the pain and the anguish will forever be a part of who you are, peaking it’s way in at the most inopportune moments and leaving behind a wound on your heart that will never fade away.
Your life, your death has left a wound on my heart. A wound that cuts so deep it touches my soul. A wound that will never completely heal, but that I proudly wear as it is the only thing I have left of you. A wound that will bleed until the day I die and meet you again. My arms ache with the need to hold you and for now, I fill them full of love for your brothers and the time I get with them here on this Earth. I anxiously await the day I get to hold you again baby boy and I hope beyond measure that until then, I can live a life that will make you proud to call me Mommy.