One of the most difficult things I’ve experienced, and continue to experience as a mother is Mommy guilt.
As good mothers, we question everything, and I do mean everything, we do and say for our children because we want what is best for them. If we didn’t care so much we wouldn’t doubt, over analyze, or question anything we do for our children. Since the day our first son was born in 2012 I’ve struggled with the ebb and flow of Mommy guilt (whether it be self initiated or coming from an outside source), but since we lost our third born son in July of 2015 I’ve experienced Mommy guilt like I’d never fathomed existed: loss Mommy guilt; a harsh, unquenchable guilt that eats away at you and settles in the pit of your stomach and reminds you everyday of the precious life missing from your family.
Loss Mommy guilt is almost indescribable and makes me question everything I’ve done in honor of our son’s life since the day he was born still into this world: Is it good enough? Is it enough? Can I do more; why haven’t I done more? Why am I holding back? What am I holding back? Do I think about him enough, cry over him enough, miss him enough? The questions are endless just like my love for him. But deep down, in my heart and soul, I know that I honor him with every breath I breathe, but I continue to allow doubt, guilt, and grief to overshadow that love and stifle my voice, the only voice Everett has left.
Mommy guilt has kept me from writing this last month and has kept my heart bleeding along with my eyes. How can I heal and grieve at the same time? How can I be a beacon of hope for others like me when I’m still struggling myself? How can I give other grieving mothers a chance to share their stories if I’m holding back parts of my own? How can I fully trust in Our Lord if I’m still questioning they “whys”, “what ifs”, and “could’ve beens”? How can I honor the short life our son experienced inside my womb still aching for him to return? How can I be more, do more, help more?
But today, I realized, the Mommy guilt I carry for our son Everett is just like the Mommy guilt I carry for his brothers. I worry, question, and overthink because I love him and because that love drives me in all that I do. I will always reach for more, always question if I am giving everything I have to be his voice in this world, and always doubt myself in doing so because I care so deeply and love so much.
There are big changes coming on the horizon and I can’t wait to share them all with you.
Until the day we meet again I promise to always reach for more. To heal, to honor, and to move forward without you no matter how slow my steps become because honoring you is all I have left to give you in this world. Until we meet again baby boy.