Death does not negate existence. 

There is this phrase I find myself being told time and time again after people learn of our sweet Angel, Everett, watching over us in Heaven. A phrase that tears open all my wounds and stirs up pain in the depths of my soul. A phrase that makes me feel guilty for mourning the death of our son. A phrase that says to me that you believe that I am incapable of mourning the child I lost and loving the children I have simultaneously. A phrase that should never be uttered to another grieving mother ever again, “be grateful for the children you do have.” I understand the well meaning hearts behind these words, but just for a second, before you utter these words yet again to another mother who will live her life without her child, tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

The death of my child does not negate his existence and mourning him does not mean I love his brothers any less. Of course I am grateful for his brothers, but having them does not make losing him any easier. Everett Charles King is my third son and I will live my life loving him as such. He is my child; whether I live my life with him or not and acknowledging his existence does not make me love his brothers any less; just as acknowledging his brothers existence does not make me love him any less. The same would be true if our Everett had lived and we were awaiting his entrance into this world instead of mourning his exit.

It is not impossible to love and grieve at the same time. My grief for Everett does not take away the love I have for his brothers nor does the love I have for his brothers take away the pain losing their brother has caused. Grief is not a one way street. It is a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, clear skies and tsunamis. Everyone’s journey is different and this is the one I choose.

Mommy Warrior

Visit scribblesandcrumbs.com for more life after loss support

Just fifteen short weeks after our son Everett was born still into our world I find myself beginning to repair the heart I once believe to be broken for all eternity; the pieces may be clumsily glued back together with the love of my friends and family, forever tattered at the edges, but here I sit, just fifteen short weeks after Everett’s birth beginning to heal. I am dreadingly “moving on with my life” because, as a mother, I must face the facts: I am still here. I am still living, still breathing, still standing. Everett may be gone, but my life lives on and what kind of legacy would I be creating for him if his life & his death were my destruction. What kind of life would I be giving his brothers and father if I lived out the rest of my days wallowing in my grief and letting it consume me?

It’s simply the truth of  life after child loss; your world crashes around you and comes to a halting stop. Your heart shatters into what seems like a million irreparable pieces. Everything changes and you feel like you can’t go on. But reality is, the world keeps spinning around you: a fact that often seems unfair and cruel in the midst of your grief. But I promise you, one day you will get out of bed, take a shower, and continue living in a world without your child. You will move on. 

I know, I know, for many of you the mere thought of “moving on” without your child is unimaginable. We’ve been trained to believe that “moving on” means forgetting, but, let me assure you, it does not. Whether it is days, weeks, months, or years from now there will come a day when you can read this and see it for the truth that it is: Moving on does not mean forgetting. It does not make you a bad mother or lessen the love you hold for your child. A mother’s love surpasses time and space; a mother’s love continues from now until eternity from this life into the next. Nothing and no one can change that. 

So, all you fellow bereaved Mommy’s out there (and I’m speaking to all you women out there who have experienced child loss, at any stage; whether through early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, or the loss of a child after birth) whose hearts are still beating in spit of being battered and broken do me a favor and repeat after me:

Whisper it.

Yell it.

Scream it if you will.

I am a child loss survivor.

I am strong.

I am brave.

I am courageous.

I AM A WARRIOR.

I am a Mommy warrior!” 

-Everett’s Mommy

#‎captureyourgrief‬ day 14: express your heart

IMG_4868This man, he is my heart. Our children have pieces of my heart, but he is the other half that makes it whole. The man I’ve prayed for all my life. The best father, husband, and friend I ever could’ve imagined spending the rest of my life with. His presence calms my soul, puts my mind at ease, and makes even the darkest of days brighter.

I don’t even need to see his face to know the love that resides in his eyes. That special look that is reserved only for me. The one that makes my knees buckle, my heart flutter, and still gives me butterflies after almost 10 years together.

Every day when he walks back into our home after endless hours of work he’s all in. He changes diapers, wipes boogers, kisses boo boos, and helps carry my load. He spends his evenings picking up my broken pieces and glueing them back together again; pushing aside his worries to calm my fears and riding the roller coaster of grief by my side. He wraps me up tight and reminds me that we are in this together; that our love is the answer.

Photo Credit to 9 Sparrow Lane

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ day 9: family

Photo credit to 9 Sparrow LaneNILMDTS-KingMemorial(33of57)This is our little family the day of Everett’s memorial. Sometimes I look at our family portrait and all I can see is what should’ve been. I should’ve been in my third trimester getting ready to take maternity photos, nesting, and (let’s be honest) complaining about how swollen and achey I am, but instead, I am left with an empty belly and endless what ifs. Then there are days like today. Days filled with heartfelt giggles and endless moments of joy. Days where I am constantly reminded how precious life is, no matter how short. Days where I feel Everett’s presence with us in undeniable ways. Days where I can see the beauty in the fact that we have our precious baby boy watching over us each and every moment for the rest of our lives. Although I’d much rather be holding Everett in my arms (how selfish of me!) I take solace in knowing that all he has ever felt and will ever feel is pure unblemished love. Until the day we meet again sweet angel. May your heart forever beat in mine.