Happy 1st Birthday Baby Boy

As many of you know, this last Saturday, July 30th, was our sweet angel Everett’s 1st birthday in Heaven. As we spent our day as a family focusing on the many lessons his short life taught us we were reminded to take every moment we are given and cherish it as it’s our last.

It is hard to put into words what it feels like to celebrate a precious life taken from your family too soon and although we chose to focus on celebrating his life and not mourning his death it was still one of the hardest days of my life. A day, that I’m sure as the years go on without him will continue to bring just as much joy as it does pain.

Despite it all, I can say this, we felt him. We felt him in every moment we spent as a family on Saturday soaking up the time we have together in his memory. We felt him there with us honoring his first birthday as we made him a cake and his brother’s picked at it just like he would’ve for his smash cake session if he would’ve been born alive and well into our arms. We felt his light and laughter there with us as we sang him Happy Birthday and sent up his 1st birthday messages on a balloon to him in Heaven; sending all our love and kisses along with it. We felt him as we tucked his brothers into bed that night answering seemingly endless questions about their brother that continue to bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

No matter where we are, no matter what we do, we will always feel his presence, he will always be a part of our family, he will always be celebrated. Everett may be our missing piece, but his memory will never be missing from our lives. Our children will grow up knowing and loving their brother awaiting them in Heaven; celebrating his birthday and honoring his short life here with us.

Happy 1st Birthday: Mommy loves you baby boy.

Always & forever.

From now until eternity.

 

Father’s Day with 3

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I imagined this day a lot differently. With a house filled full of knee high little boys running around chasing each other and a little one crawling behind. With giggles and laughter and yes, a few tears because boys will be boys & your brothers always play too rough. Your first Father’s Day with us would’ve been filled with hand print artwork for Daddy and lots of new foods for you to try.

I imagined taking our yearly Father’s Day pictures with you tucked tight in Daddy’s arms staring at him wide eyed. The tiny little details I would’ve captured and cherished forever of the bond you two had quickly developed; your tiny hand holding his, your sweet smile, and the way your eyes would light up around him. (I like to think my boys are Mama’s boys, but when push comes to shove they choose Daddy everytime!) But instead of these moments with you; we held our Everett Bear in your place and placed angel wings instead of hand prints on Daddy’s yearly Father’s Day art.

More often than not I forget to recognize the pain your Daddy went through when we lost you & the strength and courage it took (and continues to take) to push back his own anguish & carry his family through the storm. Your Daddy’s selflessness is remarkable; the love he has for you and your brothers is never ending. I see the same light in his eyes when he holds our Everett Bear as I do when he holds your brothers, the same unceasing love, but their is indescribable pain there as well, a pain that will follow us through our life here without you until we are reunited again. A pain none of us could bear without your Daddy by our sides, holding us together through it all.

There are no words for the gratefulness I have for having your Daddy in my life to pull me through the darkness and push me into the sunlight day after day. For loving a man who continues to love me even after seeing me hit rock bottom in my grief time and time again; for never giving up & never letting go. For loving a man who loves our son whom he will never get to hold on this Earth just as fiercely as he loves our children who walk beside us day after day. Our love is the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime & the family that love has created is the most precious and priceless kind of gift.
Everett’s Mommy

 

#captureyourgrief day 15: wave of light

Before we lost Everett I had never heard of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, let alone the Wave of Light. I was the 3 of 4 in the 1 in 4 statistic; blissfully unaware of the world of grieving mothers surrounding me. The day we found out Everett had left this world that ignorance came crashing down around me, stripping the innocence of pregnancy away from me, making me 1 in 4.

I have never been so thankful for the outpouring of love and support the bereaved mothers community offers. I have made some truly amazing friends since losing Everett and I like to think that Everett and their angels are playing together in Heaven, watching over us from above, awaiting the day we meet again.

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#captureyourgrief day 12: normalizing grief

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I am a mother, a mother of three boys; only two of which you can see. Our third son, Everett Charles King, was born sleeping on July 30th, 2015 at 1:06 am weighing .74 oz and measuring 4 1/2 inches long. He was not a bundle of tissue, a mass of cells, or a lost pregnancy. He was a fearfully and wonderfully made masterpiece. He was a child of God with ten little fingers, ten wrinkly toes, two eyes, two ears, and a mouth. A baby whose heart inexplicably stopped beating before he could take his first breath. Everett is our child. Our third son. Our sons younger brother. A part of our family. Don’t ask me to keep his memory locked up in a box out of sight and private. Push past your discomfort, your lack of words, that unavoidable awkward pause after I tell you I have three boys; two living and one in Heaven and honor his short life with me. Ask me about him. Say his name. Share his story. Acknowledge his life and his death. Know that although we may heal and have more children Everett will never be forgotten. His memory will never fade and he will always be counted in our numbers.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

In 1988, President Reagan designated the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. His beautiful speech began a cycle of awareness, love and support for families experiencing this tragic loss. His address to our nation put words to the indescribable loss and gut wrenching grief parents feel when their child leaves this world before they do, “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

Today, as candles are lit at 7:00 pm, in respective time zones throughout the world, and waves of light are shining all over; I stand with you, honoring our children who flew to Heaven on their angel wings before their time.

In honor of our angels please share your story with us and help us raise awareness and support for families around the world:

https://www.facebook.com/foreverbeatinmineremembrancewall/

Forever Beat in Mine is a community page meant to be a safe place for families to share their loss, grief, love, and memories. We welcome mothers, fathers, brother, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and loved ones affected by the loss of a child to join us in sharing memories of your loved one. Whether your loved one left this Earth through early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss we believe that a person is a person no matter how small and would like to offer you a safe place to share your story.

Our son, Everett Charles King, was born sleeping at 20 weeks on July 30th, 2015 at 1:06 am. His precious body weighed only 0.74 oz and measured only 4 1/2 inches long. Our angel fit perfectly in the palm of our hands gently wrapped in a cradle; lovingly hand sew by the volunteers at Bridget’s Cradles. The 20 weeks we got to spend with our little angel while he grew in his Mommy’s womb will forever be a cherished memory as his life now lives on through ours. His brothers, Jack, 3 1/2, and Lucas, 1, will grow up knowing and loving their guardian angel in Heaven. Our family anxiously awaits the moment we get to hold you again at Heaven’s gate.

Everett, you are our missing piece.

May your heart forever beat in mine.

12091272_889455204478702_8756432699224824251_oPhoto credited to the talented T.marie Photography, Wichita Photographer