Happy 1st Birthday Baby Boy

As many of you know, this last Saturday, July 30th, was our sweet angel Everett’s 1st birthday in Heaven. As we spent our day as a family focusing on the many lessons his short life taught us we were reminded to take every moment we are given and cherish it as it’s our last.

It is hard to put into words what it feels like to celebrate a precious life taken from your family too soon and although we chose to focus on celebrating his life and not mourning his death it was still one of the hardest days of my life. A day, that I’m sure as the years go on without him will continue to bring just as much joy as it does pain.

Despite it all, I can say this, we felt him. We felt him in every moment we spent as a family on Saturday soaking up the time we have together in his memory. We felt him there with us honoring his first birthday as we made him a cake and his brother’s picked at it just like he would’ve for his smash cake session if he would’ve been born alive and well into our arms. We felt his light and laughter there with us as we sang him Happy Birthday and sent up his 1st birthday messages on a balloon to him in Heaven; sending all our love and kisses along with it. We felt him as we tucked his brothers into bed that night answering seemingly endless questions about their brother that continue to bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

No matter where we are, no matter what we do, we will always feel his presence, he will always be a part of our family, he will always be celebrated. Everett may be our missing piece, but his memory will never be missing from our lives. Our children will grow up knowing and loving their brother awaiting them in Heaven; celebrating his birthday and honoring his short life here with us.

Happy 1st Birthday: Mommy loves you baby boy.

Always & forever.

From now until eternity.

 

I will always reach for you.

Some mornings I wake up and I reach for you; even after almost a year without you, even after another life is growing inside my womb, even though your sweet cries never got a chance to wake me from my sleep. My maternal instinct kicks in and reminds me that you are missing from our lives and I wake, reaching for you.

If only my arms could reach far enough, pull you down from the heavens, whole and healthy and bring you back into our lives. We would live our lives here on Earth as we’d dreamed; with three ornery boys and one little princess by our side, whole, happy, no longer reaching for a piece of our family just out of our grasp.

Until our hands meet and you are back in my arms again I will always reach for you baby boy. 
Everett’s Mommy

Father’s Day with 3

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I imagined this day a lot differently. With a house filled full of knee high little boys running around chasing each other and a little one crawling behind. With giggles and laughter and yes, a few tears because boys will be boys & your brothers always play too rough. Your first Father’s Day with us would’ve been filled with hand print artwork for Daddy and lots of new foods for you to try.

I imagined taking our yearly Father’s Day pictures with you tucked tight in Daddy’s arms staring at him wide eyed. The tiny little details I would’ve captured and cherished forever of the bond you two had quickly developed; your tiny hand holding his, your sweet smile, and the way your eyes would light up around him. (I like to think my boys are Mama’s boys, but when push comes to shove they choose Daddy everytime!) But instead of these moments with you; we held our Everett Bear in your place and placed angel wings instead of hand prints on Daddy’s yearly Father’s Day art.

More often than not I forget to recognize the pain your Daddy went through when we lost you & the strength and courage it took (and continues to take) to push back his own anguish & carry his family through the storm. Your Daddy’s selflessness is remarkable; the love he has for you and your brothers is never ending. I see the same light in his eyes when he holds our Everett Bear as I do when he holds your brothers, the same unceasing love, but their is indescribable pain there as well, a pain that will follow us through our life here without you until we are reunited again. A pain none of us could bear without your Daddy by our sides, holding us together through it all.

There are no words for the gratefulness I have for having your Daddy in my life to pull me through the darkness and push me into the sunlight day after day. For loving a man who continues to love me even after seeing me hit rock bottom in my grief time and time again; for never giving up & never letting go. For loving a man who loves our son whom he will never get to hold on this Earth just as fiercely as he loves our children who walk beside us day after day. Our love is the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime & the family that love has created is the most precious and priceless kind of gift.
Everett’s Mommy

 

Mommy loves her baby boy. 

There is a song that has become a part of our bath time rituals since the day our oldest son, Jack, took his first nerve ridden dip. After he had successfully completely one of his first milestones, Daddy and Mommy softly wrapped him up in his hooded puppy dog towel from Grandma; a towel that is still one of our boys’ favorites, and squeezed into our tiny two bedroom apartment’s bath room.
As his sweet baby scent filled the air we snuggled him close and sang,

Baby boy,

Baby boy, 

Mommy loves her baby boy. 

Baby boy,

Baby boy, 

Daddy loves his baby boy.

Baby boy, 

Baby Boy,

We all love our baby boy. 

This moment and the countless nights to come spent singing verses of “Baby boy” that spiraled into our entire line of family lineage to our sons in front of our bathroom mirror are some of my most treasured memories. These moments are filled with love, laughter, and an unexplainable joy that could burst your heart. They are moments that make your eyes fill up with tears and erase every colored on wall, ruined shopping trip, cut short dinner, and temper tantrum ever thrown. Moments that make you wish you could stop time and live in them forever.

Tonight, as I gently rocked Lucas back to sleep in his nursery and softly sang”Baby Boy” until his body became heavy on mine I found my eyes filling up with unshed tears at the thought of yet another moment, another memory I will never get with his brother. In that moment I felt him. I felt our baby boy Everett surrounding us in his brother’s nursery, watching over us as I sang,

Baby boy,

Baby boy, 

Mommy loves her baby boy. 

Baby boy,

Baby boy, 

Daddy loves his baby boy.

Baby boy, 

Baby Boy,

We all love our baby boy. 

Until I hold you in my arms again,

Everett’s Mommy