Happy 1st Birthday Baby Boy

As many of you know, this last Saturday, July 30th, was our sweet angel Everett’s 1st birthday in Heaven. As we spent our day as a family focusing on the many lessons his short life taught us we were reminded to take every moment we are given and cherish it as it’s our last.

It is hard to put into words what it feels like to celebrate a precious life taken from your family too soon and although we chose to focus on celebrating his life and not mourning his death it was still one of the hardest days of my life. A day, that I’m sure as the years go on without him will continue to bring just as much joy as it does pain.

Despite it all, I can say this, we felt him. We felt him in every moment we spent as a family on Saturday soaking up the time we have together in his memory. We felt him there with us honoring his first birthday as we made him a cake and his brother’s picked at it just like he would’ve for his smash cake session if he would’ve been born alive and well into our arms. We felt his light and laughter there with us as we sang him Happy Birthday and sent up his 1st birthday messages on a balloon to him in Heaven; sending all our love and kisses along with it. We felt him as we tucked his brothers into bed that night answering seemingly endless questions about their brother that continue to bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

No matter where we are, no matter what we do, we will always feel his presence, he will always be a part of our family, he will always be celebrated. Everett may be our missing piece, but his memory will never be missing from our lives. Our children will grow up knowing and loving their brother awaiting them in Heaven; celebrating his birthday and honoring his short life here with us.

Happy 1st Birthday: Mommy loves you baby boy.

Always & forever.

From now until eternity.

 

I will always reach for you.

Some mornings I wake up and I reach for you; even after almost a year without you, even after another life is growing inside my womb, even though your sweet cries never got a chance to wake me from my sleep. My maternal instinct kicks in and reminds me that you are missing from our lives and I wake, reaching for you.

If only my arms could reach far enough, pull you down from the heavens, whole and healthy and bring you back into our lives. We would live our lives here on Earth as we’d dreamed; with three ornery boys and one little princess by our side, whole, happy, no longer reaching for a piece of our family just out of our grasp.

Until our hands meet and you are back in my arms again I will always reach for you baby boy. 
Everett’s Mommy

Father’s Day with 3

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I imagined this day a lot differently. With a house filled full of knee high little boys running around chasing each other and a little one crawling behind. With giggles and laughter and yes, a few tears because boys will be boys & your brothers always play too rough. Your first Father’s Day with us would’ve been filled with hand print artwork for Daddy and lots of new foods for you to try.

I imagined taking our yearly Father’s Day pictures with you tucked tight in Daddy’s arms staring at him wide eyed. The tiny little details I would’ve captured and cherished forever of the bond you two had quickly developed; your tiny hand holding his, your sweet smile, and the way your eyes would light up around him. (I like to think my boys are Mama’s boys, but when push comes to shove they choose Daddy everytime!) But instead of these moments with you; we held our Everett Bear in your place and placed angel wings instead of hand prints on Daddy’s yearly Father’s Day art.

More often than not I forget to recognize the pain your Daddy went through when we lost you & the strength and courage it took (and continues to take) to push back his own anguish & carry his family through the storm. Your Daddy’s selflessness is remarkable; the love he has for you and your brothers is never ending. I see the same light in his eyes when he holds our Everett Bear as I do when he holds your brothers, the same unceasing love, but their is indescribable pain there as well, a pain that will follow us through our life here without you until we are reunited again. A pain none of us could bear without your Daddy by our sides, holding us together through it all.

There are no words for the gratefulness I have for having your Daddy in my life to pull me through the darkness and push me into the sunlight day after day. For loving a man who continues to love me even after seeing me hit rock bottom in my grief time and time again; for never giving up & never letting go. For loving a man who loves our son whom he will never get to hold on this Earth just as fiercely as he loves our children who walk beside us day after day. Our love is the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime & the family that love has created is the most precious and priceless kind of gift.
Everett’s Mommy

 

There are no rules. 

There are no rules for grieving a child taken too soon; no playbook, no bereaved parenting for dummies with step by step instructions on how and when to heal, no degree you earn that certifies you whole & healthy. I used to wonder why that was, before I experienced this kind of devastating earth shattering loss myself: why there isn’t a guide for what bereaved parents where going through in a world full with people more than willing to give you their two cents.

I don’t wonder anymore. Now, I know the reality of living without a piece of your soul, without your child by your side.

Now, I know.

I know that there is no right way to heal; no amount of DIY books or tutorials could get the steps right. There is no day marked in highlighter on the calendar in which you will wake up whole and completely healed. No passage of time that completely heals the scars losing a child leaves on your heart and mind. No time machine to jump into to take you back to the time before; the time before you learned the reality of child loss. A time before you and your whole world changed, before a part of your heart went missing from this world, a time when you recognized the person staring back at you in the mirror.

There will be days filled with heart ache and darkness. Days filled with light and hope (I promise you, they are coming). Sometime the darkness will overcome you and the sunshine in your world will be quick, overcast, and fleeting. And then, when you least expect it, the sun will shine through and hope will once again fill your heart if you choose to allow it.

So choose. Choose to open your mind, heart, and soul to the love and light in this world. Choose to see the rays of light shinning through the storm clouds. Chose to give yourself the grace to have heartache and pain as well as uninhibited joy; never ignoring either when they pass through your life. Chose to see the loved ones still walking this earth beside you ready and willing to take your hand. Chose to honor your child with every breath that you take by breathing and living, truly living, without them by your side.

This choice will not be an easy one. There will be days when you consciously have to put one foot in front of the other to complete the simplest of tasks. There will be days that seem to drag on, without end, even when you’re begging and screaming on your knees for the sun to set. But then, there will be days when it feels as if you and flying on the wings of your angel. Days when you can physically feel the light that is now a part of your child beaming down on you and shinning through in everything that you do: these days are worth every tear, every bit of heartache so embrace every day.

Embrace the bad days as much as you embrace the good because without either where would we be? Without embracing the pain and heartache that comes with remembering our children we’d be left in a world where our child doesn’t exist and no amount of joy or happiness is worth forgetting the sweet baby that once grew in your womb.

Everett’s Mommy

 

Everett,

You’ve taught me so much baby boy. I never realized how much someone can be a part of our lives without physically being here with us. You’re presence in this world, in our family, & with your siblings resonates with me everyday. I see you in everything that we do and all that we are; your short life impacted our world more than you will ever know.

I will forever be thankful for the signs you send us, reminding us that you are never far away. The forget me nots, previously unnoticed, that now seems to pop up everywhere; their tiny, but perfect blooms reminding me of your precious body we held for far too short of time. The way my mind automatically sees you when I watch your brothers at play: they are getting along better and better every day, quickly becoming best friends, you would be so proud. The way every kick your sister makes resonates in my heart, in my soul, and reminds me of the sweetest kicks I used to feel while you where growing in my womb. I know you’re watching over her as she grows; keeping her safe and healthy until I can hold her in my arms as I had hoped and dreamed to hold you.

Although I will always miss you and long for you in our lives, I know in my heart that you are where you belong, in the arms of the Angels causing unimaginable mischief; I am more thankful for that realization than you could ever imagine and I count down the days until I hold you in my arms again baby boy.

Mommy loves you Everett. Always & Forever. From this world into the next.

#captureyourgrief day 31: sunset

Photo Credit to T. Marie Photography

This evening as the sunsets and unfamiliar feeling overwhelms me; I hate you. I look at you sitting on my nightstand and all I want to do is throw you away; I don’t want you. I don’t want the empty bear the holds my child’s ashes; you’re not breathing, you’re heart doesn’t beat, blood doesn’t run through your veins. I want my Everett, not my Everett Bear. I want my child back

As Halloween begins, so does another restless night filled with dreams of you. This year, Halloween is yet another reminder of a milestone you’ll never get to reach, another reminder of what our life could have been, and the pain is almost unbearable.

October is over. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is over. But you’re still gone. This month of reflection didn’t bring you back. It didn’t miraculously heal my aching heart. It didn’t make my family whole again. I’m not “okay”. I’m not “fine”. This is the reality I live in now. My child died. My heart will never be whole again.

I’m broken, but I’m still breathing. I’m not stable, but I’m not crumbling either. I proudly wear the scars your life left on my heart. I proudly call you my son. And I anxiously await the day I meet you at Heaven’s gates. The roar of a bereaved mother’s love and pain will forever be inside of me.

I am strong.

I am a child loss survivor.

I am an angel’s Mommy.

I am 1 in 4. 

But I am also so much more. I am a mother to two babies I get to hold in my arms on Earth. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a friend and confidante. And because of that, I live on. Your legacy will not be my destruction; I will rise out of the ashes left behind and create a legacy you can be proud of. Your memory will not die, but will graciously live on through the lives of those that loved you. And let me tell you baby boy, so many people love you!

As I wrap up this month’s Capture your Grief Challenge I am reminded of this:

“Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith; It is the price of love.” Author Unknown

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

In 1988, President Reagan designated the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. His beautiful speech began a cycle of awareness, love and support for families experiencing this tragic loss. His address to our nation put words to the indescribable loss and gut wrenching grief parents feel when their child leaves this world before they do, “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

Today, as candles are lit at 7:00 pm, in respective time zones throughout the world, and waves of light are shining all over; I stand with you, honoring our children who flew to Heaven on their angel wings before their time.

In honor of our angels please share your story with us and help us raise awareness and support for families around the world:

https://www.facebook.com/foreverbeatinmineremembrancewall/

Forever Beat in Mine is a community page meant to be a safe place for families to share their loss, grief, love, and memories. We welcome mothers, fathers, brother, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and loved ones affected by the loss of a child to join us in sharing memories of your loved one. Whether your loved one left this Earth through early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss we believe that a person is a person no matter how small and would like to offer you a safe place to share your story.

Our son, Everett Charles King, was born sleeping at 20 weeks on July 30th, 2015 at 1:06 am. His precious body weighed only 0.74 oz and measured only 4 1/2 inches long. Our angel fit perfectly in the palm of our hands gently wrapped in a cradle; lovingly hand sew by the volunteers at Bridget’s Cradles. The 20 weeks we got to spend with our little angel while he grew in his Mommy’s womb will forever be a cherished memory as his life now lives on through ours. His brothers, Jack, 3 1/2, and Lucas, 1, will grow up knowing and loving their guardian angel in Heaven. Our family anxiously awaits the moment we get to hold you again at Heaven’s gate.

Everett, you are our missing piece.

May your heart forever beat in mine.

12091272_889455204478702_8756432699224824251_oPhoto credited to the talented T.marie Photography, Wichita Photographer